If you’re here it probably means you saw our post on Instagram and Facebook. If you didn’t but stumbled upon our site, let me share a little bit about our story and why this post exists.
On Sept 7 I left a card for Patrick on his night stand to share with him our awesome news. We were pregnant with our second child. We hugged and rolled around in our bed with excitement. He kissed me a few times and we were like, awesome, let’s not tell anyone just yet! But in just 3.5 days, our joy turned to fear, sadness and mourning as I started experiencing every symptom of miscarriage. I even shot an entire wedding on the worst day of the miscarriage, smiling in front of our couple and their guests while my heart grieved and even physically my body ached.
I think I was in denial. I knew the symptoms weren’t normal but I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay. Why? Because we had been trying for months, finally got a positive test and I didn’t want to believe that this was happening. But am I really okay? I went a few days without talking about it to anyone and then I talked to a friend who also had miscarried and she encouraged me to call and set get an appointment. I shot an entire wedding on the worst day of it, and then had the appointment 2 days after. Even after the appointment it still wasn’t really setting in. But the day the followed was the worst. I was a wreck. My blood work came back and for sure I had miscarried. The ultrasound showed an empty womb but because of my rare blood type I had to still get a shot as if I just delivered a baby so that my body doesn’t fight off the next baby like a sickness.
I wanted to write a post to share what we’ve learned in the last 2-3 weeks. I wanted to share that things haven’t been okay but that we are trusting God for a future with kids and a future full of hope. As a full time mom and full-time business owner, the day’s don’t ever stop unless I literally close my laptop and choose to ignore mentally everything that is on my plate. And those reading this that are business owners know that THAT is almost impossible. The slew of emotions are nuts. Literally, crazy. Like one minute I was relieved that I wasn’t having a baby in the month of May because we have 8 weddings that month, and then I felt horrible and guilty for thinking that because who would ever feel relieved after a miscarriage? I mean people try to get pregnant for years and here I was, feeling relieved because of what stress it took away. And then there was sadness and loss, I so badly want to be pregnant. We were trying to get pregnant for months and somehow managed to get pregnant the ONLY day we had sex in the ONLY month we said we couldn’t get pregnancy because of wedding season. How does that happen? We literally said, we will figure it out. We would have had to call 8 brides and tell them and make different plans for who was to shoot their weddings.
You see, God knows all of this. God knew the stress I felt, but also the relief and excitement of being pregnant and having to trust him to make things work next May. But why did I miscarry? We have no idea. But God knows and it doesn’t have to make sense, it’s not fair, but neither is God. He has no favorites, he loves all and wants good for all.
The fact that the baby is out of my body doesn’t mean God isn’t good. It points to the reality that our world is broken and so are our bodies and we all are in need of something greater to meet us when we are not only at our best but at our lowest. Patrick and I have experienced Gods comfort, his peace that doesn’t make sense and have found joy in his emotional and mental provision in the past few days. Even Patrick is dealing with sadness and questioning if maybe something in him made this happen. We decided that blame is not welcome in our home, nor resentment towards God or each other.
Upon hearing our news, some have tried to comfort us by saying, “There will be more babies.” The lady doing my blood work even said “you only need one good one.” While we appreciate the sentiment, this isn’t the source of our hope. We may never be able to conceive again, or we may conceive and lose more children, or have lots more babies. Who knows. But our hope comes from our confidence in God’s sovereignty, his character, and his promises. When we read “all things work together for good” (Rom. 8:28), that good isn’t necessarily the growth of our family; we read it and are comforted that God works all things for his own glory, which is tied to our good. We’re confident God will use this experience to make us more like Jesus, to teach us to trust him, and to give us the ability to comfort others who are also experiencing loss. But our greatest hope comes from the finished work of Jesus. Those who hope and look to him lack no good thing.
Here’s the thing, we aren’t immune to suffering. Life can change in an instant. Day and Night. This is our first experience as a couple with true grief and loss. Like legit we feel like we lost a child. Even just a few weeks and days of excitement, dreaming, and talking about creating a new nursery and in minutes for it to change, is mind blowing. Our married life has been relatively free of trouble apart from the relational consequences of our own selfishness and sin (and student loans and job loss). This experience reminds us that being followers of Jesus doesn’t mean everything is going to go well. We’re grateful for the opportunity to be near to Jesus by being acquainted with sorrow. May we never forget God’s faithfulness in the midst of pain, and may we look to him for finding security in our circumstances as we’ve been the past few days. We are learning to trust Jesus more and more and that being “self-made” or self-assured isn’t enough.
We’ve been trying for months without luck. Some days I think, what’s the point, why be intimate with the goal of pregnancy? But you see, that’s the temptation and that’s the deception. Because Intimacy is awesome and beautiful and miscarriage robs us of what matters most, which is trust and respect in your spouse and believing that God’s timing is absolutely perfect. In the kingdom of God, nothing is wasted. God works all things for good. Enduring this sorry and fatigue may not be rewarded with the birth of a baby, but suffering makes me more like Jesus and allows me to come alongside others as they too walk in sadness, loss, and sorrow.
We will try again and believe that God is for us, believe that his timing is awesome, and we will look at each other knowing that nothing we did could have prevented this or made this happen.
I want to end with a Bible Verse that rings more true today in my life than every before. I’ve seen it at weddings, at baby showers, and more, and today it was what I cling too, I have HOPE.
16 People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. 17 Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18 God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. 19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20 where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever…
– Hebrews 6:16-20